i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
