I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
