he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
