Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
