once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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