I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
