I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Please don't give away my fajitas
why is half of my head shaved?
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