Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
