Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
