If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Who died my cat blue again?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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