I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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