i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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