You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
