Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
