And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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