I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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