I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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