dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
