I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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