i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all