being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
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Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube