:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
babies were throwing up all over the place
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
