My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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