Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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