All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
