I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish you could order shots online.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
