just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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