peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My penis needs a shock collar
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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