I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
