If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize