just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
