i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
