I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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