he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
