Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My cat gives me a boner
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
