i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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