and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
