are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
