I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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