Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
