I can text with my tongue
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
