I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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