i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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