Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
