I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
