I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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