3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
