If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
