"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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