Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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