Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
