I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
