Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
