Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
