Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
