the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
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who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
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I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize