bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
