can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
