i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
