Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
